Two miscarriages.
Period, after period, after period.
Never
Ending
Aching.
Hoping against hope.
Fighting bitterness.
God, can you hear me?
Are your promises real?
People have different paths,
timing,
and missions.
Self-doubt.
Surrounded by darkness,
silence,
fear.
Heaviness, like a
weight in my chest.
Burning eyes,
throat,
heart.
"Trust me.
I'm here."
Peace.
Next month.
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I had no idea. I had no idea the pain, heaviness, and aching trying to have a family could bring. So many women deal with tragic loss and I had no idea. I cringe at the thought that my ignorance could have caused another woman to ache with pain.
This is such a personal thing. The vulnerable and insecure piece of me fights against my true self to share these feelings. Although, if even one person feels peace knowing that they are not alone I would share in their peace.
In moments of weakness I find myself wondering why this is happening to me. So many women have no trouble at all getting pregnant and staying pregnant. God knows best. He did not promise a life of only happiness, but instead provided a friend, companion, and savior to know perfectly our sorrow and knows perfectly how to succor us. He counsels,
"Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days."
"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation; but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."
"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."
There is peace that passes all understanding. It is found in Him.
xoxo,
Joanie
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I love you ❤️ I'm going through fertility struggles right now too so I can relate. If you ever want to talk or vent please call or text me!
ReplyDeleteJoanie!!
ReplyDeleteSo, you don't really know me all that well--or at all--but Bracken told me to come to this blog post because I would love it. And I do. We had fertility issues for a year before we had our first. A much shorter trial than many, but long enough for me to get a taste of empathy for others. I got married at 26 so by 27 I felt long overdue for my own little ones. I have so many friends who have had this struggle as well. Some for 4 years who now have had a couple of healthy pregnancies.
Hang in there. Xoxoxo. Miracles happen!
And I didn't even mention the miscarriages. The very very worst days.
ReplyDeleteJoanie, From the moment I first read this, I started praying for you and McKay. It has touched me deeply and you are often in my thoughts. Thank you so much for your honesty and for sharing what will help so many. I love you! Keep singing!
ReplyDeleteJoanie, I had no idea this was your 3rd miscarriage. I am so sorry. I am tearing up right now just thinking about you. You are such an inspiration for optimism and faith. Always such a light and beacon of hope. It totally isn't fair that some people can get and stay pregnant at the drop of a hat while others struggle every day with it. Especially those like you who would make the best parents! You are beautiful inside and out and I know Heavenly Father loves you and has great things in store for you.
ReplyDelete