Joanie's Journey - Obedience

So I follow The Small Seed and this month they have been talking about obedience. I have been reflecting on one of the questions in their study guide - how can obedience help you discover your true self?

This question piqued my interest because I have been searching for my "true self" for a long time, but I had never thought about it through the lens of obedience.

As you all know now, Mckay and I have been struggling to start our family. It has definitely not worked out the way we though it would. This experience has been difficult and has left me wondering about God's commandment - multiply and replenish the earth. Why would God give us good feelings about starting our family and then, from my limited perception, not follow through? Why, when we have been obedient, do we have to suffer so much? I understand the commandment and the blessings promised and am willing to sacrifice everything/anything to have a family, then why is God withholding this blessing from us?

I realize these questions sound like I am complaining, but these are sincere questions that I have. Not just for me, but for everyone trying to be obedient to God's commandment to have their family and having not work out how they imagined it would.

Unfortunately, I do not have all the answers to these questions, but I can see blessings that have come from the withholding. There are so many. Ones that I recognize, and others that I am sure that I am missing.

One that I do thankfully recognize is a little better understanding of obedience.

President Ezra Taft Benson said, "When obedience ceases to be an irritant and becomes our quest, in that moment God will endow us with power."

Being withheld a family at this time has forced me to stop and think. It has given me a chance to ponder on the Gospel, my testimony, my desires, and my true self. It has made me evaluate and reevaluate my life and encouraged me to align my life with all of God's commandments in order to be more prepared for the blessings that are in store. It has led me to make obedience my quest and in return I have felt the power of God in my life.

Oddly enough, being withheld a family has led me to obedience which has truly shown me who I really am. As I have tried to be obedient God has shown me gifts and abilities that he has given me. He has shown me my faith and given me more confidence in who I really am. He has given me glimpses of who he is trying to turn me into and what he sees in me. Little by little, through my faith and obedience, he is giving me power to overcome -- to become what he sees in me.

1 Nephi 17:3 - And thus we see that the commandments of God must be fulfilled. And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them, and strengthen them, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them; wherefore, he did provide means for us while we did sojourn in the wilderness.

This is only the beginning. My obedience has yet to be like Abraham, Nephi, or Esther, but as I bind myself to God with each act of obedience, I can have power to overcome and be qualified for his kingdom.

- Just a small note. Thank you Small Seed for your inspirational and uplifting posts!

xoxo,
Joanie

The Ache of a Hopeful Mother

Two miscarriages.
Period, after period, after period.
Never
Ending
Aching.

Hoping against hope.
Fighting bitterness.
God, can you hear me?
Are your promises real?

People have different paths,
timing,
and missions.
Self-doubt.

Surrounded by darkness,
silence,
fear.
Heaviness, like a
weight in my chest.
Burning eyes,
throat,
heart.

"Trust me. 
I'm here."

Peace.

Next month.

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I had no idea. I had no idea the pain, heaviness, and aching trying to have a family could bring. So many women deal with tragic loss and I had no idea. I cringe at the thought that my ignorance could have caused another woman to ache with pain.

This is such a personal thing. The vulnerable and insecure piece of me fights against my true self to share these feelings. Although, if even one person feels peace knowing that they are not alone I would share in their peace.

In moments of weakness I find myself wondering why this is happening to me. So many women have no trouble at all getting pregnant and staying pregnant. God knows best. He did not promise a life of only happiness, but instead provided a friend, companion, and savior to know perfectly our sorrow and knows perfectly how to succor us. He counsels,

"Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days."

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation; but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

There is peace that passes all understanding. It is found in Him.

xoxo,
Joanie

The Last Events of Summer

I love fall. 

Everything is rich and the air buzzes with new beginnings. 

School starts in two weeks and my head is reeling that summer flew by so quickly. That is actually one of the reasons I love fall too. Currently I am not going back to school, but I work at USU and our students come back and I couldn't be more excited. They bring variety and life to my job. 

I don't actually think I have talked about my job very much. I am a Program Coordinator for the Master of Human Resource Program. Fall is an exciting time for our students. We admit a new cohort for fall each year so we have new students coming and then what we call our "second years," they are coming back from their summer internships. Our new cohort has been preparing all summer for HR recruiting season that starts the first week of school. Our second years are anticipating job offers from their summer internships. There is definitely a buzz around our office. 

Besides our students coming, I am excited for pumpkin treats, the leaves changing, and fall clothes! Since I have lived in cold places for so long my wardrobe has transformed into a lot of sweaters and jeans. Scarves. I absolutely love scarves. If you ever need a gift idea for me I love scarves. 

Anyway, Mckay and I are wrapping up our summer. Last month had many adventures. Here are some highlights.

As mentioned previously Mckay and I stayed in the Anniversary Inn in Logan. Through a deal from staying there we were able to get a room booked for Jamie and Alyssa. So they came up to spend the weekend. We had so much fun. We floated the Oneida river and ate yummy food. We love when family comes to see us!


BEWARE: Overload of pictures from my trip to Wisconsin. This was an AMAZING trip. Unfortunately, Mckay couldn't come with me, but because my brother-in-law, Cody had a business trip the week I came it meant that we had a whole girl's week. Getting the chance to spend a whole week with my mom, sister, and her three beautiful daughters was a dream. The hardest part was coming home.

Maurie and Jane with the purses we brought them. It was so cute how they both knew exactly what to do with them. 

Brooklyn Jo - the perfect baby. She's a heart-melter.

One day we went to see the music in the park, but missed it by minutes. Instead we ended up going to a cute presentation at the library. The girls got to see frogs and turtles. This is a turtle shell that they got to see. Maurie was a little confused why grandma was putting this thing on her back. 

One afternoon during quiet time we tried our hand at some painting (via YouTube tutorial). We had some hearty laughs and our paintings didn't turn out too bad. 

Later that night Lucy got a babysitter and us adults went out to dinner by the fox river. Did I mention how beautiful Wisconsin is? There is nothing as healing and fulfilling to me as spending quality time with my family. 

We went to lake Michigan - huge! It could have passed as ocean. Sweet Maurie fell in the freezing water so we had to take off her cold swimmer. Funny thing about Maurie is she looks exactly like Lucy and I did when we were little. I love it!

Lucy's kids are these teeny petite things. I had to get a picture of Maurie's feet in her teeny sandals. Too cute!

I sat in the back of the van to all of our excursions. Most of the time I fell asleep with the kids, but on our way to Lake Winnebago I took some pictures with Jane and Maurie.

Our last night Lucy promised the girls that we could have a sleepover. This was our setup. I didn't make it the whole night, but the girls did. That night we did sugar scrubs on our hands and feet and then painted our nails. 

Before our flight left we had lunch at McDonalds and let the girls play in the play place. I got to hold Brooklyn while she slept. I love squishy baby loves!

On our flight home we saw some beautiful clouds!

Oh, this was from our trip to Lake Winnebago. I miss those girls so much. It's so hard living so far away, but I was grateful to spend a week with them.

Like I said before, it was actually the worst coming home. After being so busy helping take care of children it was a shock to come back to my slow paced, pretty self-centered life. Crossing our fingers that our turn for a family is coming soon. 

An embroidery I did for my friend. It turned out alright. 

Preston Rodeo! Our cute friends the Richards stuck out the rodeo with us. I LOVE rodeo's. The patriotism, cowboys/girls, and horses are a good combination for me.

Here comes the water works!!

I'm sad we didn't get a picture with Mom and Dad Lindsey and Reagan, but this was Haley's farewell. 

We got Haley's first letter this week. Oh man. Talk about a cutie. Her talk was incredible, she's incredible. I am so excited to hear more about her mission!

This is Mckay's last semester of school here at USU. He will be graduating with his MAcc in December. I am so excited for him. We have some plans in the works, but we won't know for certain about them until later in the semester. There are exciting things coming though. So stay tuned for an exciting Lindsey Family update. 

xoxo,

Joanie

Summer Update

Happy 4th of July!

I love this holiday. It is such an amazing time of year to celebrate our country and to remember the abundance we enjoy. 

God bless the USA!

Mckay and I had a lot of fun in the month of June. Some of the highlights were:

• I started a quilt, that I'm hoping to finish this next month.

• Hiking with our ward members - I really didn't appreciate Logan when I moved here, but I sure do love it now. 

• Seeing Newsies at the Capitol Theater in Salt Lake with my good friend Kylie.
• Participating in a murder mystery dinner with some friends.
• Visiting Alise in Yucaipa, Ca, and going to Newport Beach. Holy Moly, talk about gorgeous. It was so fun to spend time with the Lindsey's and get some sunshine too!

• The Thornton's, my sister Holly and her family, came to visit us in Logan and it was a blast. We had a BBQ, got snow cones, watched a movie in our backyard, played Frisbee golf and swam at the Logan Aquatic Center. 
• The last week of June we spoiled ourselves and stayed at the Anniversary Inn here in Logan. We planned a staycation and took half a break from our daily routine. 

At the Anniversary Inn they bring you breakfast in bed. Best. Ever.

Which reminds me. I have been trying to hammer down a daily routine. Talk about a toughy. It takes so much discipline to stick to a routine. Being in school for so long, where your schedule changes every semester, you move every other semester, and your responsibilities can change every semester, I never got in the habit of doing the same thing every day. It's not really my personality. I don't really like doing the same thing every day, but I know that consistency really makes your life easier. So that's what I'm trying to do. 

One last thing. Mckay and I read a book on our way to and from California last month. It is called How Will You Measure Your Life? By Clayton M. Christensen. Seriously, read it. It's so good! It was the perfect book for Mckay and I to read together. It is full of business principles that relate to your life. This was such a perfect time to read this book because Mckay and I are starting to formulate a plan. We are finally figuring out what we want to do. I say we, because even though it is really Mckay that is figuring out what he wants to do, I am very much affected by his decisions. Our futures are tied together. Yay!

I have high expectations for July and can't wait for the adventures planned!

Two Novel Thoughts

You guys. I am so excited right now.

After I graduated I got super concerned about continuing to learn. I have loved learning and I know it has so much to do with our personal growth. So finally graduating and moving on from formal learning was exciting, but also alarming.

Since then, though, I feel like I have learned so much! Mostly things about myself. I've been on this sort of self-exploration learning journey. Honestly, when I look back at me during high school I feel like I had more things figured out then and knew myself better then. Maybe that was part of the teenage "I know everything" attitude, but seriously. I used to think when I got married I would have arrived. Arrived where? I don't really know. I guess I thought that by the time I got married I would have myself figured out...

Well, poop. If that is a real boat, I missed that one for sure. I feel like getting married has actually been the experience to help me understand so much more about myself. It is exciting. Although, I don't always feel excited learning about myself. It is a hard and treacherous road sometimes. And then it is compounded when the joy-thieving monster Comparison comes out to play. At those moments I feel completely lost, discouraged, and weirdly, behind.

Two novel thoughts that I am very excited about has been:
1. Life is not a race.
2. We are all on the same team.

Hallelujah! God knows exactly where I am and he knows exactly where I need to be and that's all that matters. It doesn't matter that couples who have been married shorter than Mckay and I are having children before us. It doesn't matter if she knows what she's passionate about and I don't. It doesn't matter if their plans are working out quicker than our plans. My sweet Lindsey family has a plan and as long as I choose Jesus Christ every day I will move along my path at exactly the pace God wants.

Hallelujah! I don't have to compete with anyone. Those pesky little comparison thoughts that destroy my confidence and cause my self doubt are completely demolished with the simple thought that we are all on the same team. It is so awesome for her that she can create cute, beautiful prints, pictures, songs, books, etc., because I am on her team. I get to benefit from her amazing talents. It is so awesome for her that she has that opportunity because I am on her team. I get to benefit from the knowledge she gained from that experience.

You see? Comparing has no joy, no strength, and no validity. We are here to help one another make it back to our father in Heaven. That means there's always someone who can reach out and help me and there's always someone I can reach out and help.

Such happy lessons. Such happy thoughts.
 

Glow

"I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails. I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children. I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden. I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived.”

Lately this quote has been on my mind. What an incredible woman! There is truly power in being a woman of God and Marjorie Pay Hinckley magnified that womanhood. As each year passes I feel like I am learning more and more what being a woman means. It is truly a partnership with God. We cannot bring about the good we crave unless we have partnered with him. Womanhood has a hollow meaning unless it is partnered with God. He gives woman their glow and influence. I see it in all the woman around me that I ache so much to be like. There is an adoration and a beauty that emits from their countenance. It has nothing to do with clothes, body image, hair, cars, etc. It is a glow from within that comes from a pure heart.

From where I stand I still have so much to learn and experience to be crowned with the kind of glow that Sister Hinckley emitted. But I'm going to try to take the advice of this amazing woman...“We women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are.” 

These words speak peace to me. We are all on a journey. One day when my journey ends I hope I have the glow of a woman of God. 

Post Grad Life

Before finishing school I was a little nervous about what my life would be like after I finished. I was in school for so long that I really didn't feel like I had any hobbies anymore. It sounds pretty funny now, but I didn't think I would be able to find things to do.

Thankfully that fear didn't last long. Once I was able to get back into the swing of things I found that I actually have time to do the things that I have been wanting to do! 

December highlights were:
1. Jamie and Alyssa's Wedding - of course no pictures of them.
2. The Bowman's finally came home for a visit!
3. My gift actually surprised Mckay. Go me!

My Beautiful Bowman Nieces

Sweet Maurie

My beautiful sister and her little mini me.

My fun cousin Abby and I folded napkins fancy for Jamie's Luncheon

My two nieces that are a week apart meeting each other (Hannah and Maurie)

Pizza stone, homemade apron, and a pizza cutter - My Cute Chef

I wish I could squeeze her everyday!

My sister took our pictures while she was here.

January was a very trying month. Since last spring Mckay and I have been trying to start our family. We have now been pregnant twice. Last June I had a miscarriage (11 weeks) and now again in January we had another miscarriage (8 weeks). Like anyone else who is struggling with this we have good days and bad days. 

I tried my hand at cinnamon roll sugar cookies. They turned out pretty good!

Mckay and I invested in some snowshoes. Super fun!

February so far has been filled with healing - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Thankfully I have a job that keeps me busy most of the time. I am actually going to China next month for work. We will be visiting Beijing, Shanghai, and Hong Kong. This will be my first international experience and I am full of anxious anticipation. Just pray I can survive all the flying!

This is what I made for my sister, Lucy, and sister-in-law, Alise, for Christmas. I've just started embroidering so I was a little nervous, but they turned out alright. They were made with love and that's what counts! :) 

 Last Saturday Mckay, mom, and I made our way up to Hardware Ranch to take a sleigh ride and see all the wild elk. It was very cold, but they were fun to see.

Mckay's sweet gifts for me for Valentine's day - he is the very best.

I had a co-worker in Provo that made an amazing chocolate cake. I've had her recipe for a long time and I finally got the chance to try it out. Cake decorating is very difficult. I have huge respect for the talented people who can make amazing, beautiful cakes, like one of my best friends KrisAnne Feller. She makes amazing cakes! http://krisannefeller.wix.com/cakesbykrisanne. Check her out!

My friend and I made baby blankets for all the sweet new babies in our congregation.

Mckay help me put this up on our wall.

My favorite part in our apartment. Our apartment is an old pioneer home, but it has some great character. 

Overall, life since graduation has been full. I am actually trying to develop new talents, interests, and hobbies. God is good and he takes care of his children.