Third Time's Not So Charming

This is me, January 20, 2017, 12 weeks pregnant, going in for surgery to remove our sweet baby who no longer had a heartbeat. 

Because tax season had already started, Mckay couldn't be there with me. So my sister, who kindly took the day off to be with me, took this picture to send to my family with an update. 

You may be wondering why I am smiling. This wasn't exactly a happy day. 

    1. If you knew my sister, you'd know she could put a smile on anyone's face. 

    2. Despite the overwhelming emotions that have come with our repeated miscarriages, I know that          God loves me and has a plan for me and my family.

In this moment, I felt a sorrow so deep and so personal and so overwhelming, but I also felt a blanket of peace. Peace because of the amount of tender mercies I had witnessed on my behalf, not just with this most recent miscarriage, but with all of them. My heart can't help but turn to gratitude when I witness so many expressions of love from my Heavenly Father. 

It has been gratitude, through all the sorrow, anger, confusion, and hurt, that has steered me back to my Savior. Although he hasn't taken this trial away, he has filled me with peace that passes all understanding. 

Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7

Jesus Christ is the one true source of peace. He suffered, died, and rose again so he could fill my heart with peace in this exact moment. It is because of his Atonement and Resurrection that I can face loss with hope and joy.

Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. - Isaiah 53:4-5

Hoping you can find peace and comfort in your own battle through Jesus Christ, our Savior and Redeemer, the Prince of Peace.

xoxo,
Joanie

Purpose, Mission, Progress

There is something about looking up at the sky that makes me feel so insignificant/important. Is that a thing? Have you felt that way before? Something about watching the constant, but changing sky makes me feel free and connected with heaven. 

Life lately has been looking a lot different than I thought it would right now. I feel like life has put me in time out -- not for bad behavior, but honestly, for my health. 

Last month Mckay and I lost another baby. I spent 12 weeks pretty much on a self prescribed bed rest trying so hard to give everything this baby needed to grow and stay with us. The aching of a lost child, a lost opportunity, another lost hope are known to many. I won't dwell on this long. If I can bring myself to, I may write another post with updates. Hopefully we'll be finding answers soon. 

After having surgery to remove our sweet baby I found myself back on a path, journey, quest, I'm not sure what to call it, of finding out what my purpose is, what my mission is here on earth, and how and when I am supposed to fulfill these now, elusive, words. 

So for the last 2 1/2 months I have been searching. I haven't been working or really doing anything, but refocusing my life and healing. At first I felt rushed, an urgency to find a job, a career even, to fill up my time, distract me from my hurting. Understandable, I think, but that wasn't the answer. I have desperately needed this "time out." Each day I feel a step closer to having solid answers to these questions. Solid, in that they are founded in eternal truths, like God loves me, I am a child of God, I have a Savior that loves me and atoned for my sins, my hurting, and my experiences. 

I have learned that our purpose is truly to have joy, that we were created for the sole purpose of obtaining joy (2 Nephi 2:25). Joy isn't just a happy life, but a life full of the wide expanse of emotion and experience. There truly is no joy without experiencing the opposition (2 Nephi 2:11-14). 

"When people want only happiness, they can actually undermine their own development because their quest for happiness can lead them to suppress other aspects of their experience. Wanting to be happy can lead people to avoid (i.e., suppress) sadness when a loved one dies, or to avoid fear in the face of peril. The true meaning of being alive is not to feel happy, but to experience the full range of human emotion." - Edward L. Deci, Why We Do What We Do 

This truth has opened my eyes and has done wonders for the discontent in my heart. It has allowed me to embrace myself, my full self, mistakes, regrets, successes, failures, strengths, and weaknesses. To finally feel the start of a healthy, self-loving relationship. It has allowed me to be vulnerable with myself and gain confidence not only in my future, but in my ability to embrace the future wholeheartedly and contribute my small part to this great big beautiful world. 

How we achieve this purpose is entirely up to us. We were created to act, and not to be acted upon. How we achieve this purpose also changes depending on the season of our lives. 

In short, I think I am finally letting go of what my life should look like, what my mission should look like, and embrace each opportunity of experiencing joy - feeling all the emotions, contributing when and where I can.