Some Thoughts From the Heart

     In honor of the Sabbath day I decided to post this Mormon message. There are a couple of reasons why I like this one. First, because it is filmed around my hometown and second, because it's exactly what I need to remember. Sometimes in the hubbub of life I forget that life goes on and There are good things to come. I have learned a lot today. I am so thankful for days like these.

   

     I was looking on lds.org and on their picture sliding thing that highlights some of their content. I clicked on a Liahona talk by Neil L. Anderson. Something he said was really applicable in my life at this time.

"Faith is not only a feeling; it is a decision. Choose to have faith."   

     So, I just got off the phone with my brother Jamie. Since he has been home we have talked a lot about everything. I just love him so much and am so happy that he is home!

Anyway, I was looking through some of my school work from high school and I stumbled across two poems that I wrote in Creative Writing. They made me miss writing poetry. I think I would like to share them.

Repentance


In the depths of humility
I fall helplessly
to the ground.
The grass flattens
under the sudden weight.
I can smell his holiness.
His purity fills my lungs
and rests on my tongue
as I weep at his feet.
My weightless heart
is lifted to a higher state.
The ground quivers
as he descends
down to my imperfect being.
I can feel his arms
wrap around me
as I have imagined
so many times before.
The nail prints in his hands
pound against my lips.
I kiss this precious gift
that is beyond my understanding,
my comprehension.
I feel his love
encompass me
until I am reborn.



New

Sinking in the darkness
the blackness closing in
I cower at the memory
of my life so full of sin


Helplessly I wander
time is running out
death is surely coming
silent, I desperately shout

Then suddenly I see a flash
piercing through the night
a glorious burst of energy
filling my soul with light

I recognize this still small voice
it whispers truths to me
a loving father knows my name
and all that I’m to be


He’s given me a perfect son
to follow in this life
to bear my burdens, lift my soul
and sustain me through the strife

I do not fear, my sins are gone
His blood has made me new
I lift my head and see the path
my heart already knew


     I hope that you like them. :)
 
    Since I'm being churchy there is a song that you should look up. It's called "I am His Daughter." It's on youtube. It's an EFY song for 2010. Oh and another one is called "I Will" from 2009 EFY. I think you'll like them.
 
I love the Gospel. I really do. Have a great Sabbath everyone!

Mystery Noises, Pillow talk, Heart strings

Tonight I am missing a few things:

SUMMER!

Pine Valley

Santa Clara Park :)

And evrything that comes with it: Warm Sun, dresses, water, no school, sandals, plants that are alive, St. George, random trips, BBQ's, family, etc.



My Niece and Nephew

Picnic in Pine Valley

Cutest things in the world.

I can't wait for their little brother to be born!

Pasta Factory/Working

Yes, this is Mike, 2010's winner of the Biggest Loser

Last day of work at Pasta Factory :(

Jordan Russell Wittwer



So this is Jordan. Really, I can't believe how fast 2 years goes. I never thought I would say that. I have been so blessed to have him in my life teaching me and brightening my days. Even these last two years he's helped me grow stronger and encouraged me to be my best self. No matter what happens when he comes home in 96 days I will be grateful the Lord trusted me to be in the life of one of his valiant sons.   

My beautiful Mommy

My mom is so sweet. She listens to me go on about my life even when she is so busy she doesn't even have time to sleep. I love her so much!

And KrisAnne

This girl is amazing. She has so many talents I can't even list them all. I miss laughing my head off with her. She graduates in a couple of months and I am so excited for her to go to college, meet an amazing husband, and be my best friend for the rest of her life. Lucky her. Haha :)

Just a few business items:

 *Jamie comes home in 6 days

 *I get to hear Sister Julie B. Beck later today

 *Lucy, Cody, Kaylee and I went and watched one of my favorite movies: "Pillow Talk" (If you haven't seen it, please do. You'll love it)

Starring Doris Day and Rock Hudson

 *I trained my first two people today. I think it went well.

 *I went sledding last night and had a blast. 

  

 *This crazy girl is leaving me for ten whole days! :(

 Savannah and I have many little adventures in our room. For example, the other night we were talking before bed and out of the darkness there was a creepy noise coming from our apartment. Pasuing, we both grab weapons-plastic hangers-and venture out to the living room to check if the door is locked. After turning on every light in our apartment I run to the kitchen and pull out my butcher knife. The door was not locked. We locked it, checked all the closets and rooms, and proceeded to try and fall asleep. We still don't know what the noise was. 

 Just another short adventure. On Valentine's Day we had FHE and after FHE Savannah and I returned to our apartment. Only to be trapped in our room while our roomates friend has a dinner with his fiance'. We were both starving and thirsty, so Savannah, being brave, peeks in the living room to see if she can get some food. It was dark, there was music, and no way to get food. So instead we took pictures of us being trapped. :)

 I am going to be so sad when she leaves me. She is the bomb diggity.

Sometimes the Lord blesses you abundantly when you don't know why and bending on your knees is the only way to appropriately thank him. 

And you can post on your blog listing only some of your many blessings. Both work. :)

Time is a Myth

Woah. Life is too crazy right now. Sometimes I wish I could press pause on my life and catch up! My good friend Colten told me before he left that life after high school went by fast, but I didn't really believe him. I believe him now. It's already midterms which means that I am a month and a half away from being done with my first year of college. I NEVER thought this part of my life would come. I realized last night that I have been waiting to go to BYU-Idaho since I was 13. Oh, yesterday I was talking to my beautiful mom and I realized that not only am I almost done with my first year of college, but I am turning 20 this year. My childhood is slipping away too fast. Anyway, there have been several things on my mind lately that I want to get out.

First, there's this book that has had a huge influence on my life. My Family professor had us read it for class. It's called Leadership and Self-deception: Getting out of the Box.

It's written by The Arbinger Institute. The concepts in the book have opened my eyes to a different way of thinking. Everyone in the world should read this book. For real.

The Biggest Winner is so awesome! My team is the best. The latest news is that we are officially in second place overall and first place for weight loss. They are determined and they are getting results. I am so blessed to be apart of this program and these people's lives, sharing in their little sucesses. Also, Crystal and Josh got engaged a couple of weeks ago. We are so excited for them. They are going to be the hottest newlyweds.

 Go Team Blue!

Pretty much at any moment Lucy could have her baby. Everytime she calls me, no matter what I am doing, I pick up afraid that she's going into labor and needs me to help her. Haha! On Tuesday I went with her to the Birthing Center for her weekly appointment. I know that everything is going to go well and that her and Cody are going to be the best parents. Baby Jane is a lucky girl, getting such amazing parents. Caleb Thornton is also a lucky little boy. He's being born into a beautiful family with faithful parents and the cutest brother and sister.

13 Days!

Elder Jamie Panganiban only has 13 days until he comes home! I AM SO EXCITED!! No one in the world could have a better older brother. I love him so much. His mission has meant so much to him and he has looked forward to it his whole life. I am so happy that he was able to go to Japan and serve the Lord as a full-time missionary for 2 years and 3 weeks. AND he turns 21 tomorrow! I hope he has a very happy birthday and isn't too busy that he can't celebrate. 

Speaking of Missions...I recieved a call last weekend from another one of my good friends Mckay Wayne Lindsey. He opened his call and he has been called to serve in the Brazil, Porto Alegre South Mission. He is going to be an amazing missionary. He has changed my life and I am so excited for him to change lives in Brazil.

Okay, I am trying to grow my hair out so that I can donate it to Locks of Love and it's killing me. It needs to grow a bit longer so that I don't have to cut it super short, but it's taking forever! It's okay though. It's worth it. 

One of the classes I am taking this semster is called American Foundations. It's just basically a class on the birth of our country and the Constitution. My teacher is a little crazy, but I love him. He is so passionate about the Constitution. He jumps around our class sometimes when he gets really excited. The only thing is that his tests are hard, but miraculously I have been able to get A's on the two he's given. I am taking Science Foundations also and it is pretty interesting. We just finished studying astronomy and now we are starting chemisrty (Yay!). After blowing our minds with crazy cool information my professor always asks us "Can you put God in a box?" I love that simple, but profound reminder every Tuesday and Thursday. School is so great. I am so thankful to be in college.

This last week the weather has felt so good in Rexburg. I have tried to take advantage of it and be outside as much as possible. I did get to run up to the Temple and around campus. It felt so good! Oh, the Temple opened again this last week so I got to do baptisms. Another tender mercy.

Life is great. I am so blessed. I hope that you enjoyed this super random blog. :) Have a great three day weekend. I know I am going to.

WARNING: Avoid Stress. Or Else...

I am back in the Frozen Tundra! I have made it through the first week and a half of school, but just barely. 

(I know it's a little gross, but I have to warn you) 

(Haha! Savannah's mom gave her this sticker)

  

   Coming back to school was really stressful. I didn't think I was that stressed until one day I woke up with a shooting pain in my back. It then proceeded to move to my hip and eventually down my leg. It felt like I pulled some kind of muscle in my hip and I tried taking it easy for a couple of days. On Tuesday the portion of my back that had started to hurt started to itch. My leg started to break out in little red bumps. At first I thought it was some kind of rash, but then I thought maybe it was hives. My back and my leg started to really hurt so I finally went to the Health Center on Friday hoping they could give me some kind of explanation.

Doctor: "You have Shingles."

Me: "Oh, ew, that's disgusting!"

Doctor: ...Blank stare...

  Haha! That is exactly how my conversation went. I was in shock. The doctor gave me a prescription and sent me off, but not before telling me that my rash would bubble up, blister, pop, and then crust over. "You'll have some scarring too." Okay, EW!! I am a walking disease! I went straight home and looked up Shingles on WebMD.com. The first thing that I read was that it was adult chickenpox and that usually people 50 years or older get it. Haha! I told my family and the first thing that they thought was that 1. I didn't clean my clothes. 2. I was rubbing my body on gym equipment and not showering. Thanks Family. Haha. I am a clean person. Shingles is the dormant chickenpox virus that becomes active if you have a weak immune system or if you are stressed. So, my warning to all: take time to relax or else you'll get Shingles.

Okay, on to some better subjects. Besides the pain from Shingles, my life is fantastic!

Highlights:

• Roommates that are amazing!

 Hailey Warwood and Kaylee Duke

Me (I was really excited!)

Savannah Thorpe

Karen (can't spell her last name :\ )

This is us enjoying the Amazing Australian tradition, TimTam Slams. This was first introduced to me by the Amazing Sandberg Family.

• The Biggest Winner Competition

  On campus this semester the Fitness Activities group is having a competition called The Biggest Winner. It is based off the T.V. show The Biggest Loser. I have volunteered to be a personal trainer. I have a partner and a team of six individuals. I honestly don't know what I am doing. All I know is that I love these people and I want to help them reduce their risk of disease, motivate them to establish a healthy lifestyle, and increase their confidence so they can do everything they want to. There will be more coming as the program starts to pick up. 

•  School

   I go to the best school. I am truly blessed. The Gospel is integrated into all aspects of my education. Each of my classes are so interesting. I love to learn. There is power in working for an education. "Good books are as friends, willing to give to us if we are willing to make a little effort." -President Hinckley The Lord also blesses you greatly when you are trying to stretch yourself. He never lets you down.

That's pretty much my life right now. Everyday is filled with tender mercies of the Lord.

Oh, last night my mom called me and guess what? I received a package from Jordan! Apparently it got kind of mangled in the mail, but I think it is okay. My mom is going to forward it to me, but because it's a holiday tomorrow I don't think I'll get it for a while. It was amazing to hear from him though. His testimony strengthens my faith and adds an extra measure of the spirit in my life. His friendship blesses my life.

Okay, almost done, just one more thing...

 (Dropping Jamie off at the MTC)

This amazing man is coming home in SIX weeks! Where has the time gone? I am so excited to have my brother closer to me and be able to communicate with him more directly and more often.

All right, this is too long. I just had so many things to write. It's definitely time for bed now. Good night, Sleep tight, Don't let the bed bugs bite!

I have this habit of going to the Library and checking out too many books for me to read in the amount of time that I have them. Usually this happens when there is something in my life that I am running away from. Sitting down on one of my couches, preferrably by a window, with a blanket over my lap and a good book is my greatest escape (or hiding place). Emotionally, I dive into the plot of the book and forget my own problems. I guess this is one of my coping techniques.

Yesterday I went to the Library looking for just the right book to shut out my own thoughts. Honestly I was looking for a romantic, mindless read (I know, I am extremely pathetic). As I was skimming titles and authors Max Lucado caught my eye. This author struck me as familiar so I grabbed it. Taking a minute to scrape my brain for how I knew this guy it hit me. He is the author that wrote You are Special.

This book changed my life in 8th grade. It strengthened my ability to trust that God loves me even if I didn't have any friends. I have relied on that testimony many times.

Anyway, Outlive Your Life was the title of Max Lucado's book I grabbed. In it Mr. Lucado discusses that Jesus Christ uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things. He alludes to the Bible quite a bit as he proves this point. The original twelve apostles were just ordinary people. They weren't rich or famous, uniquley beautiful, or even super righteous. "The one thing they had going for them was a willingness to take a step when Jesus said, "Follow me." is what Mr. Lucado wrote in his book.


This morning I was reading The Book of Mormon in Alma. Alma is grieved because of the wickedness of his people and so he gathers his sons and counsels them. The very last verse in chapter 37 Alma tells his son Helaman "Look to God and live."

WHOA!!

This has irritated me all morning. What does this mean? I understand that there is a spiritual meaning behind this, but there is a word that is bothering me. Really bad.

LIVE

Dictionary.com says that this means: to have life, as an organism; be alive; be capable of vital functions. So is that it? Living is just breathing and preforming vital functions, half of them involuntary? Well, CHECK. Can cross that one off my list.

No, that's not what I'm searching for.

Okay, what's the point of all of this? Going back to Max Lucado and his book that I grabbed from the Library, the sub title of Outlive Your Life: You were made to make a difference.

Hmm.....

Oh yes, this is what I'm searching for.

Here comes the horrible truth, realities that I have been running away from since I moved to St. George.

First, I really am not comfortable in social situations. More times than not I am awkward and closed off. I am afriad of showing who I am and truly speaking my mind. Maybe it was learned or maybe this is how I have always been, but it makes it pretty hard to make and keep friends.  

 

Second, I really do have a testimony, but my destructive weakness of comparing myself to everyone and even my own expectations slow my progression down. I don't know how much time I've wasted comparing myself to whatever; magnifying my insecurities. This does not help my social handicap either. At the end of the summer, right before I left for college I wrote my brother asking for advice. He wrote back an amazing email that made me realize that he knows me better than I thought. "Be yourself and don't try to be others." This was just one of the many impacting pieces advice he gave me.

 

Third, I am really sensitive. Small things can really hurt me. Part of the reason why I am afraid to be myself in public is because I can't handle thinking that someone doesn't like me. I get this from my mom. Most likely there will be someone that doesn't really like you, but I can't handle that. So I give a surface "me" to guard myself from potential hurt or conflict. I don't really know when I started doing this, but I have gone so far that I have lost opportunities to really get to know people and be able to help others. I think when I realized how far I had let this go was when I graduated from high school. I realized I had been so afraid to let people get to know me that after five years of going to school with these people I really didn't know any of them very well. 

 

Live. You were made to make a difference. It's time to stop allowing these personality traits from holding me back. Yes, I am only one weak, sensitive, socially awkward, lost girl, but I do have a desire to follow; a willingness to step when Christ invites: Follow me.

I was made to make a difference. So here I go, new year, new semester. Wish me luck! 

Remembered Wisdom

When I was a sophomore I met this amazing kid named Jordan. He is on a mission right now in Lisbon, Portugal and lately I have been thinking about two things he used to say.

1. It's good for me.

2. Smile...it's contagious.

There were times that Jordan would be asked to do hard things or things that he didn't really want to do. He would first say that he didn't like it or didn't want to do it and then add at the end, "but it's good for me" and move on to do whatever it was. Hard things are good for us. Jordan understood that and his character shows it.

Smiling is truly contagious. This was a phrase that I said once to Jordan and then he continued to remind me. One specific day, it was not a very pleasant day for me, Jordan reminded me to smile...it's contagious. So I tried it and it turned my day around. There has to be some kind of chemical reaction that happens in your brain when you smile. It's impossible to be unhappy or sad when you smile.

Thank you Jord, for your words of wisdom and always helping me to be better.

St. George!

Things I've missed in St. George:

• Mom and Dad
• KrisAnne
• SUNSHINE
• Pizza and Pasta Factory
• Ivins 2009/2010 Royalty
• My car/Driving
• My running routes
• The Thornton's (Holly, Mark, Joshy, and Beka)
• The Sandbergs
• The Gines'
• My primary class
• ST. GEORGE TEMPLE
• My bed/own room and bathroom
• Aunt Marsha
• MY PIANO

Things I miss in Rexburg:

• Rexburg Temple
• My roommates
• Walking everywhere
• The Bowman's
• The special spirit
• School
• My own food

After a week home I think I'm ready to go back to my home in Rexburg. I am ready to finish out the semester and definitely ready for Christmas! :) Overall this week has been fun. Coming home was harder than I thought it would ever be, but it was so nice to spend time with friends and family again. Life has changed. Better? Worse? No. Just changed.