Third Time's Not So Charming

This is me, January 20, 2017, 12 weeks pregnant, going in for surgery to remove our sweet baby who no longer had a heartbeat. 

Because tax season had already started, Mckay couldn't be there with me. So my sister, who kindly took the day off to be with me, took this picture to send to my family with an update. 

You may be wondering why I am smiling. This wasn't exactly a happy day. 

    1. If you knew my sister, you'd know she could put a smile on anyone's face. 

    2. Despite the overwhelming emotions that have come with our repeated miscarriages, I know that          God loves me and has a plan for me and my family.

In this moment, I felt a sorrow so deep and so personal and so overwhelming, but I also felt a blanket of peace. Peace because of the amount of tender mercies I had witnessed on my behalf, not just with this most recent miscarriage, but with all of them. My heart can't help but turn to gratitude when I witness so many expressions of love from my Heavenly Father. 

It has been gratitude, through all the sorrow, anger, confusion, and hurt, that has steered me back to my Savior. Although he hasn't taken this trial away, he has filled me with peace that passes all understanding. 

Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7

Jesus Christ is the one true source of peace. He suffered, died, and rose again so he could fill my heart with peace in this exact moment. It is because of his Atonement and Resurrection that I can face loss with hope and joy.

Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. - Isaiah 53:4-5

Hoping you can find peace and comfort in your own battle through Jesus Christ, our Savior and Redeemer, the Prince of Peace.

xoxo,
Joanie

Purpose, Mission, Progress

There is something about looking up at the sky that makes me feel so insignificant/important. Is that a thing? Have you felt that way before? Something about watching the constant, but changing sky makes me feel free and connected with heaven. 

Life lately has been looking a lot different than I thought it would right now. I feel like life has put me in time out -- not for bad behavior, but honestly, for my health. 

Last month Mckay and I lost another baby. I spent 12 weeks pretty much on a self prescribed bed rest trying so hard to give everything this baby needed to grow and stay with us. The aching of a lost child, a lost opportunity, another lost hope are known to many. I won't dwell on this long. If I can bring myself to, I may write another post with updates. Hopefully we'll be finding answers soon. 

After having surgery to remove our sweet baby I found myself back on a path, journey, quest, I'm not sure what to call it, of finding out what my purpose is, what my mission is here on earth, and how and when I am supposed to fulfill these now, elusive, words. 

So for the last 2 1/2 months I have been searching. I haven't been working or really doing anything, but refocusing my life and healing. At first I felt rushed, an urgency to find a job, a career even, to fill up my time, distract me from my hurting. Understandable, I think, but that wasn't the answer. I have desperately needed this "time out." Each day I feel a step closer to having solid answers to these questions. Solid, in that they are founded in eternal truths, like God loves me, I am a child of God, I have a Savior that loves me and atoned for my sins, my hurting, and my experiences. 

I have learned that our purpose is truly to have joy, that we were created for the sole purpose of obtaining joy (2 Nephi 2:25). Joy isn't just a happy life, but a life full of the wide expanse of emotion and experience. There truly is no joy without experiencing the opposition (2 Nephi 2:11-14). 

"When people want only happiness, they can actually undermine their own development because their quest for happiness can lead them to suppress other aspects of their experience. Wanting to be happy can lead people to avoid (i.e., suppress) sadness when a loved one dies, or to avoid fear in the face of peril. The true meaning of being alive is not to feel happy, but to experience the full range of human emotion." - Edward L. Deci, Why We Do What We Do 

This truth has opened my eyes and has done wonders for the discontent in my heart. It has allowed me to embrace myself, my full self, mistakes, regrets, successes, failures, strengths, and weaknesses. To finally feel the start of a healthy, self-loving relationship. It has allowed me to be vulnerable with myself and gain confidence not only in my future, but in my ability to embrace the future wholeheartedly and contribute my small part to this great big beautiful world. 

How we achieve this purpose is entirely up to us. We were created to act, and not to be acted upon. How we achieve this purpose also changes depending on the season of our lives. 

In short, I think I am finally letting go of what my life should look like, what my mission should look like, and embrace each opportunity of experiencing joy - feeling all the emotions, contributing when and where I can. 

Squire & Company

The Lindsey family has some exciting news to share!

Mckay starts his new job today! He was offered a Tax position at Squire & Company in October. We could not be more excited about joining this firm! Squire has been in our sights for a while now. About two years ago Mckay found out about them through his current job and ever since felt like they would be a great firm to work for. After going through school and learning more about what he likes about accounting and what he doesn't, Squire looked even more attractive.

Going into this recruiting season he was really set on Squire. So much so, that he didn't apply to anywhere else. This about gave me a heart attack. The morning of Squire's networking event it hit me that there were a lot of CPA firms coming to campus, but Mckay only applied to one. Holy smokes. Thankfully Squire liked him!

But how could they not?

When Mckay and I started hanging out in high school I knew there was something special about him. He is humble, hardworking, honest, and true. True is the best word I can think of in my limited vocabulary. He fills my life with goodness and light. I had no idea life could be so full. It is a special privilege to share in his life and watch him start his career. It's an exciting time for sure!

The only downside to this deal is the fact that for the next several months I will see less and less of Mckay while Tax Season is in full swing. It's a good thing I have lots of projects and ideas for all this free time I'll have.

Here's a random picture of us this fall during recruiting season.

The Last Events of Summer

I love fall. 

Everything is rich and the air buzzes with new beginnings. 

School starts in two weeks and my head is reeling that summer flew by so quickly. That is actually one of the reasons I love fall too. Currently I am not going back to school, but I work at USU and our students come back and I couldn't be more excited. They bring variety and life to my job. 

I don't actually think I have talked about my job very much. I am a Program Coordinator for the Master of Human Resource Program. Fall is an exciting time for our students. We admit a new cohort for fall each year so we have new students coming and then what we call our "second years," they are coming back from their summer internships. Our new cohort has been preparing all summer for HR recruiting season that starts the first week of school. Our second years are anticipating job offers from their summer internships. There is definitely a buzz around our office. 

Besides our students coming, I am excited for pumpkin treats, the leaves changing, and fall clothes! Since I have lived in cold places for so long my wardrobe has transformed into a lot of sweaters and jeans. Scarves. I absolutely love scarves. If you ever need a gift idea for me I love scarves. 

Anyway, Mckay and I are wrapping up our summer. Last month had many adventures. Here are some highlights.

As mentioned previously Mckay and I stayed in the Anniversary Inn in Logan. Through a deal from staying there we were able to get a room booked for Jamie and Alyssa. So they came up to spend the weekend. We had so much fun. We floated the Oneida river and ate yummy food. We love when family comes to see us!


BEWARE: Overload of pictures from my trip to Wisconsin. This was an AMAZING trip. Unfortunately, Mckay couldn't come with me, but because my brother-in-law, Cody had a business trip the week I came it meant that we had a whole girl's week. Getting the chance to spend a whole week with my mom, sister, and her three beautiful daughters was a dream. The hardest part was coming home.

Maurie and Jane with the purses we brought them. It was so cute how they both knew exactly what to do with them. 

Brooklyn Jo - the perfect baby. She's a heart-melter.

One day we went to see the music in the park, but missed it by minutes. Instead we ended up going to a cute presentation at the library. The girls got to see frogs and turtles. This is a turtle shell that they got to see. Maurie was a little confused why grandma was putting this thing on her back. 

One afternoon during quiet time we tried our hand at some painting (via YouTube tutorial). We had some hearty laughs and our paintings didn't turn out too bad. 

Later that night Lucy got a babysitter and us adults went out to dinner by the fox river. Did I mention how beautiful Wisconsin is? There is nothing as healing and fulfilling to me as spending quality time with my family. 

We went to lake Michigan - huge! It could have passed as ocean. Sweet Maurie fell in the freezing water so we had to take off her cold swimmer. Funny thing about Maurie is she looks exactly like Lucy and I did when we were little. I love it!

Lucy's kids are these teeny petite things. I had to get a picture of Maurie's feet in her teeny sandals. Too cute!

I sat in the back of the van to all of our excursions. Most of the time I fell asleep with the kids, but on our way to Lake Winnebago I took some pictures with Jane and Maurie.

Our last night Lucy promised the girls that we could have a sleepover. This was our setup. I didn't make it the whole night, but the girls did. That night we did sugar scrubs on our hands and feet and then painted our nails. 

Before our flight left we had lunch at McDonalds and let the girls play in the play place. I got to hold Brooklyn while she slept. I love squishy baby loves!

On our flight home we saw some beautiful clouds!

Oh, this was from our trip to Lake Winnebago. I miss those girls so much. It's so hard living so far away, but I was grateful to spend a week with them.

Like I said before, it was actually the worst coming home. After being so busy helping take care of children it was a shock to come back to my slow paced, pretty self-centered life. Crossing our fingers that our turn for a family is coming soon. 

An embroidery I did for my friend. It turned out alright. 

Preston Rodeo! Our cute friends the Richards stuck out the rodeo with us. I LOVE rodeo's. The patriotism, cowboys/girls, and horses are a good combination for me.

Here comes the water works!!

I'm sad we didn't get a picture with Mom and Dad Lindsey and Reagan, but this was Haley's farewell. 

We got Haley's first letter this week. Oh man. Talk about a cutie. Her talk was incredible, she's incredible. I am so excited to hear more about her mission!

This is Mckay's last semester of school here at USU. He will be graduating with his MAcc in December. I am so excited for him. We have some plans in the works, but we won't know for certain about them until later in the semester. There are exciting things coming though. So stay tuned for an exciting Lindsey Family update. 

xoxo,

Joanie