Third Time's Not So Charming

This is me, January 20, 2017, 12 weeks pregnant, going in for surgery to remove our sweet baby who no longer had a heartbeat. 

Because tax season had already started, Mckay couldn't be there with me. So my sister, who kindly took the day off to be with me, took this picture to send to my family with an update. 

You may be wondering why I am smiling. This wasn't exactly a happy day. 

    1. If you knew my sister, you'd know she could put a smile on anyone's face. 

    2. Despite the overwhelming emotions that have come with our repeated miscarriages, I know that          God loves me and has a plan for me and my family.

In this moment, I felt a sorrow so deep and so personal and so overwhelming, but I also felt a blanket of peace. Peace because of the amount of tender mercies I had witnessed on my behalf, not just with this most recent miscarriage, but with all of them. My heart can't help but turn to gratitude when I witness so many expressions of love from my Heavenly Father. 

It has been gratitude, through all the sorrow, anger, confusion, and hurt, that has steered me back to my Savior. Although he hasn't taken this trial away, he has filled me with peace that passes all understanding. 

Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7

Jesus Christ is the one true source of peace. He suffered, died, and rose again so he could fill my heart with peace in this exact moment. It is because of his Atonement and Resurrection that I can face loss with hope and joy.

Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. - Isaiah 53:4-5

Hoping you can find peace and comfort in your own battle through Jesus Christ, our Savior and Redeemer, the Prince of Peace.

xoxo,
Joanie

Purpose, Mission, Progress

There is something about looking up at the sky that makes me feel so insignificant/important. Is that a thing? Have you felt that way before? Something about watching the constant, but changing sky makes me feel free and connected with heaven. 

Life lately has been looking a lot different than I thought it would right now. I feel like life has put me in time out -- not for bad behavior, but honestly, for my health. 

Last month Mckay and I lost another baby. I spent 12 weeks pretty much on a self prescribed bed rest trying so hard to give everything this baby needed to grow and stay with us. The aching of a lost child, a lost opportunity, another lost hope are known to many. I won't dwell on this long. If I can bring myself to, I may write another post with updates. Hopefully we'll be finding answers soon. 

After having surgery to remove our sweet baby I found myself back on a path, journey, quest, I'm not sure what to call it, of finding out what my purpose is, what my mission is here on earth, and how and when I am supposed to fulfill these now, elusive, words. 

So for the last 2 1/2 months I have been searching. I haven't been working or really doing anything, but refocusing my life and healing. At first I felt rushed, an urgency to find a job, a career even, to fill up my time, distract me from my hurting. Understandable, I think, but that wasn't the answer. I have desperately needed this "time out." Each day I feel a step closer to having solid answers to these questions. Solid, in that they are founded in eternal truths, like God loves me, I am a child of God, I have a Savior that loves me and atoned for my sins, my hurting, and my experiences. 

I have learned that our purpose is truly to have joy, that we were created for the sole purpose of obtaining joy (2 Nephi 2:25). Joy isn't just a happy life, but a life full of the wide expanse of emotion and experience. There truly is no joy without experiencing the opposition (2 Nephi 2:11-14). 

"When people want only happiness, they can actually undermine their own development because their quest for happiness can lead them to suppress other aspects of their experience. Wanting to be happy can lead people to avoid (i.e., suppress) sadness when a loved one dies, or to avoid fear in the face of peril. The true meaning of being alive is not to feel happy, but to experience the full range of human emotion." - Edward L. Deci, Why We Do What We Do 

This truth has opened my eyes and has done wonders for the discontent in my heart. It has allowed me to embrace myself, my full self, mistakes, regrets, successes, failures, strengths, and weaknesses. To finally feel the start of a healthy, self-loving relationship. It has allowed me to be vulnerable with myself and gain confidence not only in my future, but in my ability to embrace the future wholeheartedly and contribute my small part to this great big beautiful world. 

How we achieve this purpose is entirely up to us. We were created to act, and not to be acted upon. How we achieve this purpose also changes depending on the season of our lives. 

In short, I think I am finally letting go of what my life should look like, what my mission should look like, and embrace each opportunity of experiencing joy - feeling all the emotions, contributing when and where I can. 

Stoplights and Doors

Don't you just love that quote? This quote basically sums up my life right now. I am fighting off the fear of the unknown and trying to put my trust in the God I do know. 

Several years ago, I had a religious leader teach me about stoplights and personal revelation. He taught me that there are times when the Lord gives us a red light, telling us to stop and redirect. Other times he gives us green lights, telling us to charge forward. And sometimes the Lord gives us yellow lights. We talked about how usually at a yellow light you speed up so you can make it through that light, but that when the Lord gives us a yellow light it usually means to slow down, ponder, listen, and look around. This religious leader invited me to slow down, listen, and look for the doors that the Lord would be opening for me. 

I feel that same invitation again now in my life. I have no idea where it is going to lead, but I have a good feeling it's leading to greater happiness, understanding, and love.

Sending you love and encouragement to slow down, ponder, listen, and look on this beautiful Monday morning.

xoxo,
Joanie

Joanie's Journey - Obedience

So I follow The Small Seed and this month they have been talking about obedience. I have been reflecting on one of the questions in their study guide - how can obedience help you discover your true self?

This question piqued my interest because I have been searching for my "true self" for a long time, but I had never thought about it through the lens of obedience.

As you all know now, Mckay and I have been struggling to start our family. It has definitely not worked out the way we though it would. This experience has been difficult and has left me wondering about God's commandment - multiply and replenish the earth. Why would God give us good feelings about starting our family and then, from my limited perception, not follow through? Why, when we have been obedient, do we have to suffer so much? I understand the commandment and the blessings promised and am willing to sacrifice everything/anything to have a family, then why is God withholding this blessing from us?

I realize these questions sound like I am complaining, but these are sincere questions that I have. Not just for me, but for everyone trying to be obedient to God's commandment to have their family and having not work out how they imagined it would.

Unfortunately, I do not have all the answers to these questions, but I can see blessings that have come from the withholding. There are so many. Ones that I recognize, and others that I am sure that I am missing.

One that I do thankfully recognize is a little better understanding of obedience.

President Ezra Taft Benson said, "When obedience ceases to be an irritant and becomes our quest, in that moment God will endow us with power."

Being withheld a family at this time has forced me to stop and think. It has given me a chance to ponder on the Gospel, my testimony, my desires, and my true self. It has made me evaluate and reevaluate my life and encouraged me to align my life with all of God's commandments in order to be more prepared for the blessings that are in store. It has led me to make obedience my quest and in return I have felt the power of God in my life.

Oddly enough, being withheld a family has led me to obedience which has truly shown me who I really am. As I have tried to be obedient God has shown me gifts and abilities that he has given me. He has shown me my faith and given me more confidence in who I really am. He has given me glimpses of who he is trying to turn me into and what he sees in me. Little by little, through my faith and obedience, he is giving me power to overcome -- to become what he sees in me.

1 Nephi 17:3 - And thus we see that the commandments of God must be fulfilled. And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them, and strengthen them, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them; wherefore, he did provide means for us while we did sojourn in the wilderness.

This is only the beginning. My obedience has yet to be like Abraham, Nephi, or Esther, but as I bind myself to God with each act of obedience, I can have power to overcome and be qualified for his kingdom.

- Just a small note. Thank you Small Seed for your inspirational and uplifting posts!

xoxo,
Joanie

The Ache of a Hopeful Mother

Two miscarriages.
Period, after period, after period.
Never
Ending
Aching.

Hoping against hope.
Fighting bitterness.
God, can you hear me?
Are your promises real?

People have different paths,
timing,
and missions.
Self-doubt.

Surrounded by darkness,
silence,
fear.
Heaviness, like a
weight in my chest.
Burning eyes,
throat,
heart.

"Trust me. 
I'm here."

Peace.

Next month.

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I had no idea. I had no idea the pain, heaviness, and aching trying to have a family could bring. So many women deal with tragic loss and I had no idea. I cringe at the thought that my ignorance could have caused another woman to ache with pain.

This is such a personal thing. The vulnerable and insecure piece of me fights against my true self to share these feelings. Although, if even one person feels peace knowing that they are not alone I would share in their peace.

In moments of weakness I find myself wondering why this is happening to me. So many women have no trouble at all getting pregnant and staying pregnant. God knows best. He did not promise a life of only happiness, but instead provided a friend, companion, and savior to know perfectly our sorrow and knows perfectly how to succor us. He counsels,

"Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days."

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation; but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

There is peace that passes all understanding. It is found in Him.

xoxo,
Joanie

Two Novel Thoughts

You guys. I am so excited right now.

After I graduated I got super concerned about continuing to learn. I have loved learning and I know it has so much to do with our personal growth. So finally graduating and moving on from formal learning was exciting, but also alarming.

Since then, though, I feel like I have learned so much! Mostly things about myself. I've been on this sort of self-exploration learning journey. Honestly, when I look back at me during high school I feel like I had more things figured out then and knew myself better then. Maybe that was part of the teenage "I know everything" attitude, but seriously. I used to think when I got married I would have arrived. Arrived where? I don't really know. I guess I thought that by the time I got married I would have myself figured out...

Well, poop. If that is a real boat, I missed that one for sure. I feel like getting married has actually been the experience to help me understand so much more about myself. It is exciting. Although, I don't always feel excited learning about myself. It is a hard and treacherous road sometimes. And then it is compounded when the joy-thieving monster Comparison comes out to play. At those moments I feel completely lost, discouraged, and weirdly, behind.

Two novel thoughts that I am very excited about has been:
1. Life is not a race.
2. We are all on the same team.

Hallelujah! God knows exactly where I am and he knows exactly where I need to be and that's all that matters. It doesn't matter that couples who have been married shorter than Mckay and I are having children before us. It doesn't matter if she knows what she's passionate about and I don't. It doesn't matter if their plans are working out quicker than our plans. My sweet Lindsey family has a plan and as long as I choose Jesus Christ every day I will move along my path at exactly the pace God wants.

Hallelujah! I don't have to compete with anyone. Those pesky little comparison thoughts that destroy my confidence and cause my self doubt are completely demolished with the simple thought that we are all on the same team. It is so awesome for her that she can create cute, beautiful prints, pictures, songs, books, etc., because I am on her team. I get to benefit from her amazing talents. It is so awesome for her that she has that opportunity because I am on her team. I get to benefit from the knowledge she gained from that experience.

You see? Comparing has no joy, no strength, and no validity. We are here to help one another make it back to our father in Heaven. That means there's always someone who can reach out and help me and there's always someone I can reach out and help.

Such happy lessons. Such happy thoughts.