I have this habit of going to the Library and checking out too many books for me to read in the amount of time that I have them. Usually this happens when there is something in my life that I am running away from. Sitting down on one of my couches, preferrably by a window, with a blanket over my lap and a good book is my greatest escape (or hiding place). Emotionally, I dive into the plot of the book and forget my own problems. I guess this is one of my coping techniques.

Yesterday I went to the Library looking for just the right book to shut out my own thoughts. Honestly I was looking for a romantic, mindless read (I know, I am extremely pathetic). As I was skimming titles and authors Max Lucado caught my eye. This author struck me as familiar so I grabbed it. Taking a minute to scrape my brain for how I knew this guy it hit me. He is the author that wrote You are Special.

This book changed my life in 8th grade. It strengthened my ability to trust that God loves me even if I didn't have any friends. I have relied on that testimony many times.

Anyway, Outlive Your Life was the title of Max Lucado's book I grabbed. In it Mr. Lucado discusses that Jesus Christ uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things. He alludes to the Bible quite a bit as he proves this point. The original twelve apostles were just ordinary people. They weren't rich or famous, uniquley beautiful, or even super righteous. "The one thing they had going for them was a willingness to take a step when Jesus said, "Follow me." is what Mr. Lucado wrote in his book.


This morning I was reading The Book of Mormon in Alma. Alma is grieved because of the wickedness of his people and so he gathers his sons and counsels them. The very last verse in chapter 37 Alma tells his son Helaman "Look to God and live."

WHOA!!

This has irritated me all morning. What does this mean? I understand that there is a spiritual meaning behind this, but there is a word that is bothering me. Really bad.

LIVE

Dictionary.com says that this means: to have life, as an organism; be alive; be capable of vital functions. So is that it? Living is just breathing and preforming vital functions, half of them involuntary? Well, CHECK. Can cross that one off my list.

No, that's not what I'm searching for.

Okay, what's the point of all of this? Going back to Max Lucado and his book that I grabbed from the Library, the sub title of Outlive Your Life: You were made to make a difference.

Hmm.....

Oh yes, this is what I'm searching for.

Here comes the horrible truth, realities that I have been running away from since I moved to St. George.

First, I really am not comfortable in social situations. More times than not I am awkward and closed off. I am afriad of showing who I am and truly speaking my mind. Maybe it was learned or maybe this is how I have always been, but it makes it pretty hard to make and keep friends.  

 

Second, I really do have a testimony, but my destructive weakness of comparing myself to everyone and even my own expectations slow my progression down. I don't know how much time I've wasted comparing myself to whatever; magnifying my insecurities. This does not help my social handicap either. At the end of the summer, right before I left for college I wrote my brother asking for advice. He wrote back an amazing email that made me realize that he knows me better than I thought. "Be yourself and don't try to be others." This was just one of the many impacting pieces advice he gave me.

 

Third, I am really sensitive. Small things can really hurt me. Part of the reason why I am afraid to be myself in public is because I can't handle thinking that someone doesn't like me. I get this from my mom. Most likely there will be someone that doesn't really like you, but I can't handle that. So I give a surface "me" to guard myself from potential hurt or conflict. I don't really know when I started doing this, but I have gone so far that I have lost opportunities to really get to know people and be able to help others. I think when I realized how far I had let this go was when I graduated from high school. I realized I had been so afraid to let people get to know me that after five years of going to school with these people I really didn't know any of them very well. 

 

Live. You were made to make a difference. It's time to stop allowing these personality traits from holding me back. Yes, I am only one weak, sensitive, socially awkward, lost girl, but I do have a desire to follow; a willingness to step when Christ invites: Follow me.

I was made to make a difference. So here I go, new year, new semester. Wish me luck! 

Remembered Wisdom

When I was a sophomore I met this amazing kid named Jordan. He is on a mission right now in Lisbon, Portugal and lately I have been thinking about two things he used to say.

1. It's good for me.

2. Smile...it's contagious.

There were times that Jordan would be asked to do hard things or things that he didn't really want to do. He would first say that he didn't like it or didn't want to do it and then add at the end, "but it's good for me" and move on to do whatever it was. Hard things are good for us. Jordan understood that and his character shows it.

Smiling is truly contagious. This was a phrase that I said once to Jordan and then he continued to remind me. One specific day, it was not a very pleasant day for me, Jordan reminded me to smile...it's contagious. So I tried it and it turned my day around. There has to be some kind of chemical reaction that happens in your brain when you smile. It's impossible to be unhappy or sad when you smile.

Thank you Jord, for your words of wisdom and always helping me to be better.